on the different kinds of silence, or: why i might be a Quaker

[sebenikela]

If you told me a few months ago that my adhd ass would actually look forward to spending an hour sitting quietly, I wouldn't have believed you.

But I was poking around hesitantly for something non-toxic that could fill the gap where church used to go, and I started reading about Quakers, and I decided I would go to Friends Meeting Washington and just... see. It's a traditional silent Meeting for Worship: you go in, sit down, and wait, and listen.

And I keep going back. Some weeks it's very quiet, some weeks--today was one of them--a lot of people speak. Something they've been thinking about this week, or something that happened, or a good memory of a mother who wasn't usually good, stories (because these are Quakers) about de-segregating lunch counters in the 60s and meetings about affordable housing last week, it's never predictable.

And some things people said today got me thinking about silence. And there's such a difference between the silence of Things We Don't Talk About--at the church I grew up in, this included queer people and sexuality in general--and the silence at Meeting. The silence of Not Talking About It is a door slammed, while silence at Meeting is about listening, about doors being opened.

So I stood up, and I said that, and my voice shook but I said it anyway.

And later, so many people said thank you for sharing. One very bubbly young woman came up to me and asked "can I give you a hug?" and I said yes.

And I feel a bit like the stray cat who's been coaxed inside far enough to accept a few pets but isn't quite sure of her welcome just yet.

But it feels like, maybe? this could be a place I might belong.

Not because I think they're perfectly aligned with what I think, but because they listen. Because at the business meeting I went to this afternoon people brought up serious questions and had differences of opinion and they talked about it. And listened to each other. And resolved things in a way everyone could live with.

Because I basically outed myself as queer in church and the reaction was "okay, cool" and "me too" and "you should meet my queer friends who just got married here."

Because I've missed having a place where I meet people a generation older and a generation younger, in person, face-to-face.

Because Quakers believe that there is "that of God" in everybody, and being convinced about the existence of the whole "god" thing is not a requirement. Because (some) Quakers will happily say "yes, we started as a Christian tradition, but we're not quite that any longer--and that's okay."

Anyway. I've only been going off and on since February, and I am still that skittish stray cat, and I know well that things that sound good on the outside can have poison buried within.

But I'm hopeful.

Comments

[kaberett]

<3