brainsssss
Jun. 22nd, 2018 08:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sebenikelaI am in a truly foul mood today, and I think mostly I'm just straight up hitting a terminal Cope Deficit.
I mean, I can recognize a spike in Official Depression Symptoms and identify multiple proximate causes (and yelling at myself about being an idiot and doing things I know will fuck me up is not actually helpful). I know that strategies for feeling less shitty include "go do things even when you don't feel like it" and "eat food and sleep on schedule" and "do yoga no really it does help" and "find some balance between pushing too hard and just giving up and fucking around all day" and also "call around to therapists" and "see if you can get into an earlier Dr.'s appointment" for longer-term strategies. Oh yeah, and "figure out ways to make friends irl."
I'm just looking at all of them like "oh my god why don't I just learn to fly while I'm at it."
And I know the solution to THAT is "pick one thing" and I even AM Doing A Thing tomorrow (rock climbing with people from work at a gym near here) I'm just... so fucking tired. So fucking sick of working really fucking hard just to keep my shit together at some minimal level. Annoyed because "I don't seem to have emotional responses? to things? at all?" has OF FUCKING COURSE evolved into "everything is stupid and terrible, especially me" rather than anything even remotely interesting.
(Annoyed because hey look, the asshole ex-boyfriend was right, I don't have anyone who knows me like he did, and then annoyed because oh my god you don't even believe that yourself you're just moping, and then annoyed because knowing that STILL DOESN'T HELP)
Annoyed because for fuck's SAKE, I have a good job and a nice place to live in an interesting city and I'm basically physically OK and of course none of that actually fixes things because it's not about that.
Basically I am this post:
and I'm really tired of it and I would like a new brain now please.
I mean, I can recognize a spike in Official Depression Symptoms and identify multiple proximate causes (and yelling at myself about being an idiot and doing things I know will fuck me up is not actually helpful). I know that strategies for feeling less shitty include "go do things even when you don't feel like it" and "eat food and sleep on schedule" and "do yoga no really it does help" and "find some balance between pushing too hard and just giving up and fucking around all day" and also "call around to therapists" and "see if you can get into an earlier Dr.'s appointment" for longer-term strategies. Oh yeah, and "figure out ways to make friends irl."
I'm just looking at all of them like "oh my god why don't I just learn to fly while I'm at it."
And I know the solution to THAT is "pick one thing" and I even AM Doing A Thing tomorrow (rock climbing with people from work at a gym near here) I'm just... so fucking tired. So fucking sick of working really fucking hard just to keep my shit together at some minimal level. Annoyed because "I don't seem to have emotional responses? to things? at all?" has OF FUCKING COURSE evolved into "everything is stupid and terrible, especially me" rather than anything even remotely interesting.
(Annoyed because hey look, the asshole ex-boyfriend was right, I don't have anyone who knows me like he did, and then annoyed because oh my god you don't even believe that yourself you're just moping, and then annoyed because knowing that STILL DOESN'T HELP)
Annoyed because for fuck's SAKE, I have a good job and a nice place to live in an interesting city and I'm basically physically OK and of course none of that actually fixes things because it's not about that.
Basically I am this post:
and I'm really tired of it and I would like a new brain now please.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-25 02:27 pm (UTC)For strategies, have you seen/heard of self-compassion.org by Dr. Kristen Neff? I had it bookmarked for a while because their brief overview made so much sense: Hey, actual clinical research-based things, complete with exercises and guided meditations. But haven't truly had a chance to explore the practical exercises myself...
no subject
Date: 2018-06-27 05:17 pm (UTC)(rambling from here is as much for me as anything, don't feel like you should react or anything it just kind of...expanded)
I kind of took the weekend and went "OK, what actual things can I actually change because clearly the current plan is not working"
So I've been doing some re-prioritizing, including stuff like "yeah, I'm gonna do yoga in the morning EVEN IF it makes me late for work because nobody actually cares if I'm late for work, it's not a thing." And my PhD advisors emailed like "we're both going to be on vacation for the next month (oh, Europe T__T)" which let me stop going "THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DONE MONTHS AGO" and adjust to "This needs to be done in a month" which actually was the most helpful thing I think. And just generally cutting myself some slack with work stuff--it's okay if I'm not 100% ON all the time when I'm in the office, it's okay to leave on time even if I got in late (because I am incredibly lucky and no one checks, but I may as well take advantage (within reason), right?)
Also I'm trying to let myself do intellectually challenging things that are FOR FUN, rather than saving all my brainpower for work stuff. Writing, particularly, although I haven't made much progress yet.
We'll see: I definitely have a history of swinging between DO ALL THE THINGS and burning myself out and not doing anything, so I'm trying to not add too much stuff all at once. Fingers crossed...
no subject
Date: 2018-07-04 08:11 pm (UTC)I get what you are saying so hard! It does kind of go into everything or none, despite all the logicking about how it also makes no sense. Hope your readjustments work!