sebenikela

I am in a truly foul mood today, and I think mostly I'm just straight up hitting a terminal Cope Deficit.

I mean, I can recognize a spike in Official Depression Symptoms and identify multiple proximate causes (and yelling at myself about being an idiot and doing things I know will fuck me up is not actually helpful). I know that strategies for feeling less shitty include "go do things even when you don't feel like it" and "eat food and sleep on schedule" and "do yoga no really it does help" and "find some balance between pushing too hard and just giving up and fucking around all day" and also "call around to therapists" and "see if you can get into an earlier Dr.'s appointment" for longer-term strategies. Oh yeah, and "figure out ways to make friends irl."

I'm just looking at all of them like "oh my god why don't I just learn to fly while I'm at it."

And I know the solution to THAT is "pick one thing" and I even AM Doing A Thing tomorrow (rock climbing with people from work at a gym near here) I'm just... so fucking tired. So fucking sick of working really fucking hard just to keep my shit together at some minimal level. Annoyed because "I don't seem to have emotional responses? to things? at all?" has OF FUCKING COURSE evolved into "everything is stupid and terrible, especially me" rather than anything even remotely interesting.

(Annoyed because hey look, the asshole ex-boyfriend was right, I don't have anyone who knows me like he did, and then annoyed because oh my god you don't even believe that yourself you're just moping, and then annoyed because knowing that STILL DOESN'T HELP)

Annoyed because for fuck's SAKE, I have a good job and a nice place to live in an interesting city and I'm basically physically OK and of course none of that actually fixes things because it's not about that.

Basically I am this post: